my stuff
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happy new year?
So, another New year is upon us.
I know it’s traditional to get all sentimental at New Year (and I’m all about tradition), but this is a particularly poignant New Year for me. I started 2007 with a terrible head – my marriage was close to breaking down and I couldn’t see any way to get out of the mess. I’m ending the year in the knowledge my marriage is rock solid, with our first child cosy, warm and thriving in my womb.
And the bits in between? Well, some are worth mentioning, some are worth throwing away to the winds and forgetting all about them.
How was 2007 for you?
I remember 1997 was a difficult year for me too. Must be something to do with the sevens. 10 years ago I split up with my first proper boyfriend of 2 ½ years in the summer and started my adult life alone. I came close to fucking that up too. I can’t be trusted! I started the year miserable and knowing that big changes were coming and ended the year with a very young and very gorgeous Bandito in my bed. He was to be my winter fling. Someone to keep me out of trouble over the festive season till I got my head together and figured out where I was going. By my reckoning, a 10 year winter fling must win some kind of award surely!?
10 years of working towards common goals (and pulling away from them at times too, of course) has been really fucking hard work, but now I’m sat at the other side – so rewarding. I have achieved, without even realising it and I am proud of myself for dragging myself through the tough times and allowing myself to be dragged when I just couldn’t do it anymore.
Bandito and I have really pulled together over the last few months – with the redundancy and so on. I know I can rely on him and I wasn’t sure if he was strong enough before. That sounds patronising and a bit shit, I know that. But we’ve never been through proper crisis points before – he picked me up and helped me get on with things and I owe so much to him.
We had a scare with the baby back in October and I fell to pieces again (getting good at that) and Bandito fixed it all and then when the results came back to say that the baby is fine, we have been on such an amazing journey together. We are so in love with each other – nobody tells you that this is a possibility when you’re pregnant. It’s added another level to our relationship that I didn’t know was going to happen and it’s taken both of us by surprise. Really lovely. We get excited about getting home to each other after a day at work. We are hibernating from our friends and spending proper quality time together. Going to the pictures, going for walks, going out for meals – well, mainly burgers. It would appear my baby is actually a t-rex as it craves red meat morning, noon and night’. Actually, as I write this I feel a tad sheepish because we had a bell-tinger of a fight last night that resulted in me throwing pillows at him and telling him to sleep on the sofa, but that’s a tiny blip and I know it will be fixed today (and he didn’t sleep on the sofa) and it’s our first fight in MONTHS and I wouldn’t be Heeland Lass if it was proper rosy and pink and fluffy and there were no glitches, now would I?!
And….I think I’ve found out accidentally that we’re having a boy. I’m not sure because we got some results from the tests we had done on the baby and one page says something about a normal male karyotype (I know it sounds like something out of Spider Man) and so now I’m waiting to find out if this actually means I’m carrying a boy or if it means that there were just some tests done on male karyotypes and they’re normal.
I know that I don’t know for sure, but I will admit that I was a little bit sad about not having a girl. I kept thinking about stripey tights and red duffel coats and having a little madam with dark brown hair and it made me feel a bit sad that the stripey tights and red duffel coat might not happen and so I spent a bit of time trying to get my head round that. I know it sounds completely moronic but I never really considered that I’d be a mother to a boy! Isn’t that the most stupid thing? As an only child from a single parent family I suppose I have no cultural reference points for boys. I know some (Bandito’s one I think) but I honestly assumed I’d have a girl. So, it really has taken a bit of getting used to that this might not be the case.
Then I started to feel a bit of a sigh of relief – no pink Barbie crap plastic things (okay, I know that means that Dr Who and Spider Man and Thomas the Tank Engine and all that crap will now be part of my life, but I have a particular hatred of pink Barbie plastic. So…phew). No worrying about the skirts being worn too short and what boys are sniffing around. I know that I might still have a girl, if not this time, next time (if there is a next time!) and if that is the case, then it’s all slightly easier to stomach with the idea that there will be a big brother on the scene!
Anyway – I’ve now gone from reminiscing to day dreaming so I’ll leave it here for just now.
I hope that whatever you are doing tonight, you have a fun Hogmanay (that’s New Year’s Eve to all non Scottish readers!) and that 2008 is a positive and fruitful year for you. I hope that any of the shadows from 2007 you wish to leave behind stay behind you forever and make you a stronger and happier person for having dealt with them.
See you on the other side!!!
Heeland Lass xxxxxx
10:58 am - 31 December 2007
