my stuff
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a to z of utter shit
Well. Seeing as I’m off the booze just now this formula applies to me:
Heeland Lass – Booze = Boring fuckwit
As does this one:
Boring Fuckwit + extended waking hours due to sobriety = piss poor storytelling
So, you’re forgiven if you want to bow out of this one till I’m back on that luscious sauce (weekend of 24 February – normal programme scheduling will resume. Roll up roll up for more stories of how I fall over. Woohoo!). If however, you’re interested in what I really have to say, regardless of how drunk (or not) I am when I say it – then hang around!
Things that are happening at my work
I am currently sitting in the MDs office. It’s warmer than mine and it makes me feel more important. And she has a higher backed chair than me. Posh bitch. Anyway, I don’t normally sit in here and she’s never mentioned this before, but I am sure I can hear the guy that lives upstairs from the office pissing into the loo. I can hear whistling and walking, then the walking stops, then there’s this noise that sounds like pissing into a pot of water, then the pipes go a bit mad (clearly the flush) then more footsteps, then nothing.
Now wasn’t that an interesting story?
Also, there are blue bottles buzzing around. They’re obviously mutants, because it’s 2 degrees out there today and isn’t that too cold for these beasties? Well we phoned the beastie people and they said that flies and blue bottles are only present if something died. Maybe it was my will to do any work? Anyway, now the office manager has to go on a dead thing hunt. I’m glad I’m holed up in the office that picks up neighbours pissing…
Some things that are happening at home
Nothing is happening at home. Unless you count going out every night looking at kitchen showrooms. Which I don’t, cos that’s obviously not at home. But it’s for the home so you might.
Some things I’m doing this weekend
Going to see the Johnny cash film (I love Joaquin phoenix. I would like to smear him in baby oil and …er, well…do things to him).
Wall papering the bedroom
Sorting out photos from Thailand so I can post them here
Going to a 5 year olds birthday party
Going to visit someone who’s had a baby.
Going to be really fucking pissed off when I get back to work on Monday having had a boring as all shit weekend.
Some things about me being on a detox
It sucks big fat ones.
I want wine.
I’m much funnier when I’m drunk.
Mmm, lovely wine. Lovely booze.
I need help.
Some things about me in general, following the alphabet (yeah, scraping the barrel now, I realise that…)
A is for….my name
B is for….Bandito’s name
C is for….Crap. That’s what this entry is
D is for….Dominoes pizza. They sent me a letter the other day addressed:
Pizza Lover
20/5 Blah Dee Blah Avenue
Thingyville
Scotland
I take offence to this. First of all – have you ever heard of mail merge Dominoes? It’s really easy to get my name in there and that would be better and much less embarrassing. 2nd of all, yes I like pizzas, but I wouldn’t say I’m a Pizza Lover, it’s not like I do things to these pizzas other than actually eat the fuckers (and even then only a few slices, not the whole thing). I take umbrage that my postie now thinks I’m a complete pervert and/or pizza addict.
E is for….Evil projects – what I’m supposed to be working on right now instead of writing this muck
F is for….for fucks’ sake, this is a bad entry
G is for….god I hope I don’t develop a proper drinking problem because then I’d have to stop drinking permanently and I couldn’t handle being so dull.
H is for….how much of this can you take?
I is for…..I fancy a glass of wine
J is for.…just give me one
K is for ….koalas and some other shit
L is for ….let me out of here
M is for….many millions of things
N is for….nobody, as in the amount of people who made it this far.
O is for….Once I was a little bit funny.
P is for….pooey, this one stinks.
Q is for …quit – what I should do, but I feel this awful need to get to Z.
Z is for ….zat should do it….zee you later.
12:47 pm - 03 February 2006
