my stuff
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ebbs and flows
Now. Where was I? Oh yes – life is a series of random arse spikings.
It’s funny, I got quite a lot of emails about my last entry – everybody agreeing that life certainly is a series of random arse spikings. It’s always good to know that life treats everybody the same and it’s not just you that gets caught up in the rip tide.
I’ve been speaking with a very good friend of mine recently about life in general (the one who just got married) and I’m getting good perspective on things, on my life, on life in general. Ebbs and flows we’ve put it down to. In fact, we’ve succeeded in putting ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING down to ‘ebbs and flows’. Life, marriage, friendship, trust, happiness etc. etc. etc.
My marriage is definitely going through a change right now – nothing to worry about, don’t panic! We’re just going through a bit of a shift. Things can get quite intense with me & Bandito. We are a very insular couple and a lot of the time people tend to avoid inviting us individually to things because normally we’d be like ‘Oh god, I’ve not had proper time with Bandito for ages, if you don’t mind I’m just going to stay in and be with him’. Which of course, is lovely – but it’s been doing my head in a little bit of late.
Bandito has quite a few hobbies that takes him out of the house. The only thing I have is the gym and I’m sorry but I’d really be scraping the barrel if I was to call that a hobby. I see a lot of my friends during the week, but to be honest, a lot of those friendship visits are out of duty (see previous entries relating to McDee) and take quite a lot out of me. At other times, I do quite a bit of overtime at work, either at work or at home and I will fit that into the times that Bandito’s out doing something or other so that we can maximise on time together.
All of a sudden, this really started to freak me out. It was like I was slotting myself into a timetable for other people. I went out with V for a few drinks before her wedding and we had a good chat about it and I realised that I have been living a fairly dependent existence over the last little while – I share all my time with Bandito, all my money with Bandito and all of my headspace with Bandito. Now, it’s lovely to be in a relationship that works so well, but I realised that it was all a bit much and it really did start to make me feel a bit panicked.
All of the friends that we have – we have them together, apart from the ones that really need me when they see me, and spending time with V and a couple of other girls has reminded me so much of my best mates who now live in Sydney – the ones who were my friends on a proper equal basis, there for me as much as I was there for them. The ones that I can trust implicitly with anything, the ones who I yearn to speak to, the ones I feel in my heart when I think about them.
My friendship with V has blossomed over the last 2 years and I have to say I really do feel like I’ve found another Jo & Jen. I have been going out with her and getting quite pissed up and partying and having a laugh and really enjoying myself.
And guess what? Bandito doesn’t like it. I knew he wouldn’t – and I’m not revelling in this because that’s a bit weird, but I just knew he wouldn’t like me not being in the house as much. It’s not like I was some evil housey woman who cooked and cleaned all the time, but I really do wonder what the hell I actually do with the time that I’m always claiming is so precious.
Anyway, blah blah blah. What am I talking about here? Oh yes. I’ve managed to get Bandito to realise that just because I’m not in his pocket at the moment and I’m spending some time away from him and re-connecting with myself (fuck that sounds so wanky, I don’t mean it to – I really do feel like I’ve been a bit lost of late though and I’m getting it together now) doesn’t mean I’m not committed to our marriage and to him and to our life together and the happy ever after we’ve promised each other.
GOD. Does any of this make any sense to anybody?
I guess I’ll find out.
I feel like the shift is going to do both of us some good. When the good weather fucks off (not long now I am sure) I will be less inclined to get out of the house and see who’s around and things will settle back down into our nice wee routine that we have.
Am I a bad wife? I don’t feel like a bad wife. I feel like me, rather than Mrs Bandito and I have to say it’s quite refreshing.
Okay – hit me with your comments. I’ll take the good with the bad. Thoughts please????
12:55 pm - 28 July 2006
