my stuff
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fingers crossed
Right. I have come to realise that I owe you people much more than the mediocre crap I’ve been churning out recently. I’m sorry – I’ve been shit at updating and when I have updated my entries have been shit too.
I can’t update from home just now either because I broke our laptop back in the summer and cracked the motherboard (sounds like something out of star trek) and so we’re waiting to save up enough money to get it fixed/buy a new one.
Even if I was able to update from home just now though, I wouldn’t – I don’t know what’s wrong with me but I just have absolutely zero concentration just now.
I seem really pre-occupied with everything. At home I’m thinking of all the people I have to see, all the things I have to do (oh the shame, I should be at the gym etc). When I’m out visiting people or doing stuff (oh the shame I’m still not at the gym though), I keep thinking about all the things I have to do in the house. I am just really restless. Can’t keep still. Don’t know what I’m up to.
I haven’t read a book since September. That is not like me, I’m normally a one book a week girl. I was going to say I haven’t picked up a book since September, but that’s not true – I pick books up all over the place, in actual fact I plucked an unsuspecting book off the shelf last night and crawled into bed with it. I didn’t even pretend to open it. I lay on my back, looked at the ceiling, farted a couple of times (had a very potent curry for dinner) and before I knew it I had woken myself up with my own snoring.
This has been a really weird year for me. My head has been firmly up my arse. There were times where I really felt like I was going crazy. The skin on my face went absolutely demented, hurtling me into a bit of a depression cycle. I took up smoking again (haven’t had a ciggie since Monday though so am committed to stopping again), drank way more than usual, was out till 4am midweek and generally felt like I was spinning off my own axis. It has taken me a loooooooong time to settle back down again. I can’t even say for sure that I’ve completely settled back down but everything certainly seems a lot calmer.
The best thing from this new calm phase is that Bandito and I are getting on really well. We’ll be celebrating our 6th wedding anniversary in December and I have to say that this year has been the toughest we’ve ever had (which makes me worry about what it will be like when we’ve got real, proper things to worry about in the future). It was horrible. There were stages where I was looking for an escape route – as I’ve said before – and that really scared me. Fortunately, the safety net of marriage was there all along and I realised I didn’t have to leave, I just needed to work stuff out in my head and the rest would follow and that certainly seems to have been the case.
So, fingers crossed that all is well. I’m still feeling the ripples from being so bonkers and there’s still a lot I need to fix in my head and in my life but I really feel that things are getting back the way they should be. I wasn’t really looking after myself very well for a while there and I wasn’t letting anybody else look after me either.
So. You got your fingers crossed for me? Good. Thank you x
11:55 am - 09 November 2006
