my stuff
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men! i need your help
God. It’s so tempting to keep everything the way it is. My relationship with Bandito, our flat, our disposable income. Our trashed weekends. Our holidays. Our easy going life, with few worries. A life that (touch wood) can be depended on. A relationship that is going from strength to strength.
Everything is so easy at the moment. Isn’t this supposed to be how it should be? Isn’t this what we all work towards? Being happy? I mean, I really am happy. Things couldn’t be better. If I could freeze right now for another few years, I would do it. I’d watch Bandito have more and more fun with his music and his band and his basketball. I’d get more into mountain biking (maybe!), do all the things I wanted to do on my ‘to do’ list.
Sigh.
But things can’t stay the same forever can they? In reality I wouldn’t want them to, not really. I need change, as much as change brings fear. And the kind of change I’m talking about is really, really scary.
Parenthood. I don’t know how ready either of us are for it, but we’re both aware that it’s coming. It has to.
The only thing that I’m dreading is the changes to our relationship. I am more than aware how things change between 2 people when a baby comes along. I’m witnessing it with the majority of my friends and it makes me really sad. It’s all very easy to sit and say ‘that won’t happen to me’, but I’m pretty sure my friends all said that before they fell pregnant, and now it has happened to them.
I’ll take it all on, I really will. I’m ready for anything when it comes to our little baby, and preserving our carefree, boozing, partying lifestyle isn’t that important to me either. I’ll admit it though, I’m terrified that me & Bandito suffer. I love that man so much. How do you find room in your heart for the husband that you adore and a baby that is connected to you, that demands all of your attention? It all sounds too intense. And what do you have left for yourself?
Anyway. I know I’ve got a long time to worry about things, Bandito and I need to talk it all through properly. But we’re taking steps towards it all. I’m going to slow down on the booze, and stop the drugs. I’m going to start taking folic acid. We’re going to the doctors to get check ups and advice. We’re going to start saving. So, we’re not going to actively start trying right now, but we’re setting it all up. A few months maybe.
Fuck.
I promise not to turn this into a baby-making diary, that would bore the arse off me, and you’d run a mile. I will write about it from time to time, because I’m not going to tell any of my friends about it just yet. Firstly I think it’s a bit creepy when people you know tell you they’re trying for a baby, I don’t know why. And secondly I don’t want to jinx it (does it count if I tell people I don’t know because they’ve read my inner thoughts, because I’ve written them in an online journal? Nah). I mean, who’s to say all of our bits work? They might not. And if they don’t I don’t want to be talking about it constantly.
I used to work with a girl who was so desperate for a baby it blinded her judgement in everything she did. Either her or her husband, not sure which one, couldn’t have children naturally and it killed them both. They became obsessed. She’d cry at babies in the street. It was really traumatic for them.
They were so sure they were going to be successful at IVF that they told everybody about it. It was as if they thought that just planning the IVF meant they were having a baby. As you can imagine, they set themselves up for a few falls. They were unsuccessful a lot of the times they tried. Every time she talked about it, she had to tell everybody that they weren’t successful and every time she told people that it hadn’t work, the less she could look people in the eye. It was tragic.
But they were successful at their last shot and they have a lovely little boy and they’re all very happy now, so it’s a happy ending. But like most happy endings it was a rocky path.
I don’t want to have to go through that, and it was excruciating being on the listening end of it too, what could I say to make her feel better? Nothing. That’s what. So I won’t put anybody else through that either.
So. That’s what’s happening. Mental eh? Do you stay the same person when you have children? Do you fall out of love with your partner a little bit? Do you feel as fulfilled as a wife / husband / whatever you are as you used to?
As a husband what happens when you have a baby? Do you stop finding your wife attractive? Do you stop seeing your wife as a sexual person? Do you feel side stepped? Do you feel that your wife stops fancying you? Do you still feel frisky? Does any of that matter?
What’s the worst thing that happens to your relationship when you have a baby?
Leave me notes, email me, pass this onto other friends that have children, give me your advice, HELP ME!!! Sorry didn't mean to sound so needy there! heelandlass AT hotmail DOT co DOT uk
I know all about the good stuff. I need to know the bad stuff. Forewarned is forearmed. We’re taking all these steps to ensure we have a baby at the right time (I mean, we didn’t want our unborn child to have a birthday in December or January because the birthday is always shit – I mean, THAT’S planning!!), but I want to make sure that me and Bandito will be okay. I don’t want a baby if it means I don’t have Bandito. I’m with Bandito forever, I have never been so sure about anything in my life. Yes, I want a baby, but not at the cost of my relationship. Not a chance. So, I need to make sure I do right by my husband, that we all end up 100% happy.
Or is that just 100% unachievable?
This thing is so much bigger than everything else. My head hurts.
11:56 am - 29 March 2006
