my stuff
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
my views
Well, of course I knew not everybody would read the entry yesterday and think that I sound totally rational and normal and Mrs Wifey. That’s only to be expected. And it’s nice that most people haven’t even batted an eyelid (how do you do that by the way?!) or those who have even questioned it have been quite nice about it – if not exactly identifying with it.
One of the best things that has come from this journal experience, for me, is getting to learn about the minute details of other people’s lifestyles. The people I read about on a daily basis are a nice mix of happily ordinarily married, a bit kinky, downright kinky, adulterers, gay, straight, devoutly christian, completely atheist and a good mix of everything in between and round a bout. I like it like that. I love that even people who seem quite straight forward and together and well, normal, have kinks and bumps and blips that make them anything but. That’s the kind of thing that really intrigues me about this journal life. I know about certain people’s sex lives who live in, say the US, in explicit details, much more than any of my face to face friends would ever open up to me and it’s healthy to know things about people. To find out what spins their wheels, to hear what makes them angry, sad, completely perplexed or happy as fuck.
In this whole experience I have never judged anybody at all based on what they write in their journal, I promise. If there’s ever been anything that I’ve not agreed with I’ve usually thought ‘well, different strokes for different folks’, I’ve only ever deleted one buddy based on something they’ve said and that was someone who wrote about the most disgusting joke I have ever heard in my life and they thought it was incredibly funny and it seriously turned my stomach (and no I won’t ever tell you the joke) and it stayed in my head for days on end and I kept thinking about it and I couldn’t get it out of my head and I had to delete this person because I didn’t ever want to have to read another joke like that again in my life.
Anyway. What I’m trying to say is – thanks for not being judgemental pricks. And to those of you (for there were a few) who do think it’s really quite weird I’ll let you know what I think and we can take it from there.
I have been unfaithful one time to someone I was with. It was with a guy I worked with and I cheated on an ex, ex boyfriend to be with him. To me, the definition of being unfaithful isn’t always on the act but on the intent behind. With the guy I worked with all those years ago, I looked at him across the office one day and thought to myself ‘I want to fuck that guy and I’m going to’.
The intent behind that was based on having sex with this guy because I wanted it. I didn’t give a shit about the fact that I was with someone else and the reason I wanted the office guy so badly was a) because I was bitterly unhappy in my relationship and b) I wanted that guy to give me a really good seeing to.
What happened on Friday had absolutely NO intent behind it whatsoever and the fact that Bandito took it so well isn’t because he’s an all round groovy guy and doesn’t mind who touches me or what I get up to, but because he knows that there was no intent and absolute zero thought process involved. True, as somebody had said, if it had been the boy and not the girl that I’d had the encounter with Bandito wouldn’t have been nearly as nonplussed about the whole thing – that is true. But the intent would have been different somehow. If it was the boy, I think that it would have been about a sexual encounter right from the start. Boundaries like that are set immediately between male and female – especially the ones I know.
Oh this isn’t making sense anymore. The upshot is – I don’t view Friday night as being unfaithful, and clearly neither does Bandito. My feelings for Bandito haven’t changed in any way, I have NO intention of going off with this girl OR repeating the experience and in actual fact I feel closer to Bandito than ever, things are great between us and to be honest, he was more than a little turned on when I told him about it.
So, enough now.
***
Last night when I was tidying up I put a bundle of clothes in the washing machine. About 10 minutes later Bandito took out the bundle of clothes and put in bedsheets and towels instead. ‘What are you doing?’ I asked him ‘There’s not enough room on the clothes dryer for all of those things so I’m putting on a load that can be tumble dried instead’ he said. ‘Good idea. I do need to get those clothes washed though, I’m running out of things to wear’ said I. And you know what he said? He said ‘well, Heeland Lass – why don’t you go out and buy yourself some? Everything’s falling to pieces’.
Tops. I had mentioned that I’d seen a nice dress and it was only £25 and he told me I have to stop buying cheap shit and start buying better quality clothes that small children in Guatemala haven’t had to use their own hair for and all that kind of thing and so I took it from that, that what Bandito was actually saying was:
Heeland Lass – go out and spend money on yourself on expensive clothing.
No other way to take it really. And so in less than an hour I am the proud owner of new jeans, a top, a cardigan, 2 bras and 2 pairs of knickers. Nice.
3:57 pm - 07 March 2006
