my stuff
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i'm actually giving you nothing with this
My head has been up my arse lately, stress levels through the roof and many, many questions being asked of myself. I want to share it here but I am more than a little reluctant. I’ve shared some proper things with you in the past but this is BIG SHIT and I don’t think I can bring myself to. I keep asking myself why I want to share it with you, I mean – there’s some of you who read this who I actually have a kind of relationship with (albeit over the computer mainly) and that means that I’ve opened myself up to being judged by people who can say in some sort of way that they know me. And this sort of stuff, I can’t actually talk to ANYBODY about – computer friend or real life friend.
Anyway, the bottom line is I want to share it because I am looking for people to tell me I’m not mental, I’m not insane, I’m perfectly normal, that the things that have been happening to me happen to everybody and that it’s nothing to worry about.
The problem is that I know that I won’t get that. Because I know that I am mental, I am insane, I’m not actually as normal as I would like to be and that the things that are happening to me do not happen to everybody and yes, quite sincerely there is a lot to worry about.
And before you ask it’s nothing to do with illness, work, money, breaking the law or Bandito. Just stuff. But in my world, I have been happily trundling along a nice little railway track that was laid out for me by a very nice person who wanted things to go well for me for a long time. I now feel that my wee train track has a LOT of work needing done on it and that my happy little carriage is about to wobble off it and roll down a hillside, crashing into cows, houses, people as it goes.
Lately I’ve been making stupid choices. And BIG DECISIONS are looming in front of me. I need to start asking myself massive questions – about me (the worst kind. Yuck) and to be honest, I’m a bit frightened of opening up my head and seeing what’s in there. I feel the need to squash everything down as far as I can and let it raise it’s head much later on in life. Unfortunately, this conflicts 100% with my general philosophy of ‘get everything out there and deal with it as best you can’.
So, I’ve started another journal (how dare I?!). A locked one. I’m finding it therapeutic and it’s nice to be going there without any other motive than dumping all my brain poop onto a big white page. No need to wonder who’s added me, or who’s left me a note or a comment. I won’t be sharing the password so don’t ask me. Hopefully I’ll be able to work through this shit on my own.
If not however (and this is where things get back to normal with my Heeland Lass journal), I will always have Jen to speak to in less than 3 weeks. I can’t wait to see her . She’s coming to stay for a long weekend later on in August. Friday to Monday. I’m going to try to get her all to myself as much as possible. She knows quite a few of my friends now (after we were all on holiday in Thailand together) and she gets on so well with Bandito, but I am really, really going to put my foot down and make sure I get her as much as possible without everybody else getting in on the act. She’s my best friend on the planet and I really need some Jen time.
In other news, I have been told by my boss that it’s going to be too busy at work during August so I’m not allowed to take any time off that month. Which means that I’ve booked the first week in September off work. Me & Bandito are going camping (if the nice weather holds – which is a big IF) and I’m so looking forward to that. We’ve not had any time off together since January and that wasn’t time together – we were with 20 other people in Thailand! So, this will be a good chance to spend some quality time with him and re-connect in all the ways that only holidays can help you do.
And that’s about it. Yes, sorry it’s a bit vague. I’m alright really. Much calmer than I was before, I feel a lot more in control of myself and my life than I did a couple of weeks ago and my real life seems to have taken control a bit, which is great cos I thought I was spinning off my axis for a bit there.
Oh well. Lah lah lah. That’s me done I think. Is it?
Erm, yes.
12:51 pm - 01 August 2006
