my stuff
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rollercoaster
So. Maybe I should say some things. It usually helps I suppose.
Me and Bandito have not been getting on at all. I think it's safe to say that things have been at best rocky, at worst really awful. It's been a really rubbish year to be honest, and instead of acting like the close knit team we are, we've been pushing each other away.
It doesn't help that I feel like I'm changing. Obviously, it's natural to change - the way I am as a person now is different to the way I was 5 years ago and so I reckon I'm going through one of those 'growth spurts'. Bandito isn't going through one of these spurts at the moment, so he sees the changes in me and wonders if it means I love him less, I don't want to be part of the marriage and so on. His reaction has been to get more needy and to shout at me, my reaction has been to stay out of the house or get really defensive (in the stylee of a badly behaved teenager).
All in all, it's been shit. I've wondered if its worth walking away from it all. I think if we hadn't been married I would have walked away quite easily - I might have walked back again, but I'd have walked away in the first instance.
I remember when we decided to get married, one of the main reasons I said 'I will' was because no matter what, I didn't want it to be easy to just walk away. If we were to grow apart then I wanted it to be so fucking hard that we'd look at it and work at it and make it stay together.
And that's what we're trying to do.
I thought marriage would mean that my life clicked into place. I'd suddenly understand myself, I'd be able to give myself a break and just...be. No such luck. Marriage is really bloody difficult. Not only do I have myself to constantly work at I've got someone else, with their own set of rules and boundaries that I need to fit into as well. It's hard sometimes, but the benefits outweigh everything else.
In the end, I believe, everybody is looking for someone to spend the rest of their lives with - whether its in a marriage or not. I've got that person and I don't want to lose him. It's going to be hard sometimes. It's going to be easy other times. But it's always going to change and it's always going to take work.
I lost sight of that.
So. Yep. That's what I've been going through. It's been really horrible. We're going on holiday tonight for a week to spend some time together. Enjoy each other's company again. Get back into the nice things that our marriage is built on.
I'm really looking forward to it. I can feel myself falling back in love with him again and it makes me cry my eyes out that I spent even a few months not feeling like this.
Life eh? What a rollercoaster.
10:12 am - 01 September 2006
