my stuff
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over and out
Not sure I really want to keep doing this anymore. My life has been all over the shop over the last, what, 10 months? It’s been making me want to run away from everything that is the life I have built for myself. And Heeland Lass is most definitely part of the life I have built for myself. Thing is – Heeland Lass is not really me.
Sure, the experiences are all true and the opinions and stories are all real but ultimately Heeland Lass is a pretty cool chick and that is not the whole picture really. I’m sure you’ve all felt the same about yourself at one time or another.
I've been feeling less and less in control of a situation that actually, once I applied a bit of logic to it, I had lots of control over.
Stuff had been going on that I couldn't and wouldn't share - although there are a couple of you out there who I would have desperately loved to ask the odd question, knowing you'd been in a similar situation. I just couldn't bring myself to do it.
So, I've basically censored myself, shut myself down. I can't bring myself to write in my private diary because I can't face forming the words, trying to put things into sentences. And I can't write here because the usual twaddle you're used to - I'm finding it hard to muster up the enthusiasm.
So what now? I am going to come back in another form. I will let you know where and I will let you know when. And if you’re still around, if you still feel like knowing what I’m up to and how I’m doing then it would be really lovely if you could come and visit my new place when I find it.
I'm probably giving the impression that my life is a disaster zone, it's not - it was, but it's much, much better now. It took me a while to get back into things when I got back from holiday - i'd come back from a sunny, happy place and had a bit of a dark, emotional meltdown.
I have always been a fan of sorting myself out, this never ending resource I thought I had to fix things, work things out, make sure I'm alright. It left me. It just decided to get up and go away and for a while I thought it wasn't coming back.
Getting to the point where the volcano was going to erupt one way or another I finally succumbed and spoke to someone - unleashed the beast. Started at the very, very beginning and didn't stop. I made that person cry. I made that person worry. I kind of owe the rest of my life to that person because she told me some incredible things. She helped me see things with clarity:
“I reckon you have always been drawn to no-hope situations, or people who you feel sorry for, and then you feel responsible and have to get drawn in; sucked in. Then, it's like you are in quicksand - the more you struggle, the deeper in you get until you can't breathe, and you are drowning. You can save yourself now.
The only way out is to stop struggling frantically, and take big strong strokes, as if you were swimming, until you get to a point where you can reach the end of the stick that a rescuer is holding out, then they can pull you to safety. When you are out of the quicksand, you can get up and stand on your own two feet, and mark that spot as forever dangerous, so that you do not go there again.
You know which big strong stroke you have to make first: you know that I am holding out the stick: you know that your life with Bandito is the sure ground you need to stand on: you know which spot needs to be marked as Dangerous - Keep Out.”
Good old Mum eh?
So, I’m on a much better road. I have stopped kidding myself and I am looking forward to putting all my effort into being the happy, contented, positive person I used to be – before it got sucked out of me.
Okay. I’m going to lock up in a wee while. If you want to contact me – email me, I’d love to hear from you heelandlass at hotmail dot co dot uk.
I’ll be back and all that xxxxxx
12:53 pm - 11 April 2007
