my stuff
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the trouble with me and mcdee
Rain rain rain rain rain.
I fear we may have had our summer already. On Saturday I went to the supermarket on my bike and realised it was the first day of the year where I’d gone out in just a t-shirt. “Hoorah!” I said to myself, “summer is here”. To mark the occasion we nipped off to LB’s for one of her sensational BBQs, got roaring drunk and played music very loudly till god-only-knows-what- o’clock and spent the rest of the weekend hungover and knackered.
And then it started to rain and I’m pretty sure it hasn’t stopped since about 8pm last night. Curses. I’m supposed to be having a BBQ this weekend. Oh well, it might get me out of making burgers I suppose.
Still. It might look up you never know.
I watched a film called Broken Fl0wers last night with B!ll Murr@y. I found it quite strange and I would kind of like to see it again to see if it makes any more sense the 2nd time around. Only that would mean actually watching it again and I can’t be bothered. So with that in mind I thought I’d ask if anybody else has seen it and if so, tell me what you thought of it please and thank you.
It was one of those slow, quiet and unassuming films. The main character (B!ll) doesn’t really say a lot. And he has a talkative side kick who isn’t in it enough. And it comes to an abrupt end which infuriated me because I thought we were just getting going with the story.
And so, it ended and me & Bandito looked at each other and shrugged, then picked up the Sunday papers and went back to reading like we’d never stopped to watch a film in the first place.
***
I just wanted to quickly comment on my predicament with McDee. I am really grateful to everybody who left me messages about the strange situation I find myself in with the oldest friend I have (see here if you’re interested ) – most people thought I should speak to her about it. The truth is…I really can’t be arsed. Which is probably quite telling isn’t it? But I really don’t think it’s worth the hassle it would cause. And here’s why:
When she had her first baby, she got very, very bad post natal depression. It was very serious and we were all kind of worried about her, although she didn’t really talk to anybody about it for a long time. It was really horrible watching someone go through all that, the rage she had, the confusion, the hatred she had of herself and all the time she was trying very hard to be a good first time mummy. It was all a bit much. She has always had high expectations of people too – as in how often they should be in touch with her, how much time they spend with her, that kind of thing and in the run up to her wedding (I was the bridesmaid) she really wanted a lot more of my time and energy than I realised and I was a bit scatty back then, so I’d say ‘I’ll phone you on Tuesday’ and then not remember what day I’d said I’d phone and then phone on Thursday and she’d be really off with me and I just put it down to the way she was feeling and that was that.
Anyway, one day out of the blue she called me up (it was a Sunday and I was mopping the floor, I remember it clearly) and she had the BIGGEST go at me about absolutely everything. She just ranted and ranted and ranted about how I was unreliable and uncaring and I always made her feel that she was unimportant in my life and that she wondered if I even cared about her son and, oh god it was horrific. I was literally stopped in my tracks.
Yes, there had been some times where I cancelled her or re-arranged or whatever, but a lot of the time I didn’t feel up to it. As you will know if you’ve suffered from depression or know someone who has, from the outsider’s perspective there is a LOT of energy that is required to sit and discuss things highly depressed emotion. You have to listen intently and make sure that you are being sympathetic, whilst at the same time not looking bored (if I looked even remotely tired McDee would think she was boring me and then get even more upset) and you get asked questions again and again and again – and they’re questions without answers. You end up feeling really incompetent as a friend and it is emotionally draining. So yes, sometimes after a shit day at work, the last thing I wanted to do was sit through that again, but on the days when I did go round, I felt I more than made up for it.
I tried to stand my ground and tell her how I felt about this whole thing – for example, other than her husband-to-be, I was the only person she confided in about it. That was on one hand a huge compliment to me, but on the other hand it is a huge burden – knowing, worrying, being the only one to give her boosts and try to calm her down and give her reassurance. I hated the responsibility. Especially because a couple of times she’d seriously considered killing herself.
And the conversation got really heated. I tried to explain my side to her, but it was as if she didn’t care that I had a perspective. Every time I said something to her like ‘you sometimes make me feel…’ she’d go ‘I do not! How dare you’ and so it would go on and on and on.
Eventually, we made peace. I told her I was glad that she’d brought some things to my attention and that I’d learnt a lot from it (which I had) but I also told her that sometimes I felt that it was all coming from me. I was always the one that had to phone her, I was always the one coming to her house, I was the one that had to make the contact every single time, so of course I was going to be the one that cancelled things and changed things and then ended up feeling like I was the baddie.
Bandito was absolutely raging. He couldn’t understand how she could be so selfish and down right rude. He thought I should write her a letter to explain my side of things if she wasn’t going to let me explain properly. I thought about it and decided I would.
After all, the letter wouldn’t be an attack on her (like her conversation was on me), it would simply be explaining things. How I feel about things. Surely, as such old and good friends she should respect that I had a position in all of this too.
So I sat down and started to write to her. Bandito said it was the perfect opportunity to tell her exactly how I felt and if she didn’t like it, then she was on her own.
And that’s the hard bit. She really had been going through such a shit time that I just couldn’t bring myself to say anything. Her relationship with her family was horrible, her big sister was a complete bitch and had really twisted things against her of late. She had just moved from London to Edinburgh to have her baby with her husband to be, they were under a lot of stress, she had a wedding to plan, one of her other bridesmaids had basically ditched her and told her she wasn’t doing this anymore and basically didn’t want to be her friend anymore and then there was the depression on top of that.
I don’t know what would have happened if I’d written that letter. Nor do I know what would have happened if events had been allowed to carry on as normal. But that wasn’t to be. The next day I got a call from McDee. She had been at the hospital all day with her little boy. He’d had a massive seizure early in the morning and had been rushed to hospital. He was being treated and was under anaesthetic, but recovering well. She was at her wits end. I was the first person she wanted to call.
I grabbed my bag and went straight to the hospital to see them. And that was it really, back to normal.
So I missed my chance. Now I’ve let it go on too long, unfortunately. I’ve withdrawn from her emotionally and so I don’t care enough about it anymore, to rake it all up and if I’m honest, I am kind of terrified of her reaction. I don’t want to not have her in my life and I certainly don’t want to lose the boys because I love them both dearly – so unless I’m prepared to mess this whole thing up then I have to get on with it. Maybe another opportunity will arise. Maybe when I have children she’ll stop being so demanding of me. Until then, I just have to suck it up and get on with it.
And have the odd moan here and there! Lucky you.
Have a good week everybody. Oh - and Kimistry, whoever you are. Please leave me some contact details so I can thank you for your insightful notes of late. Oh - well, I've just done it haven't I?
1:45 pm - 15 May 2006
