my stuff
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
withdraw.....
I'm having a real tum-tee-tum day today at work. Can't really be bothered doing too much. And don't really have too much to do either. So I'm sitting at my desk looking around me and thinking 'tum tee tum'.
When I get all weirded out and stressed about my life I have a weird way of dealing with it - which probably explains why I haven't updated much. I kind of withdraw from everything. Everybody has their own coping mechanisms, I know that - mine seems to be to remove myself from almost everybody's life and become a bit of a loner. I don't email people, ring them, text them, visit them - I just get on with things on my own.
It's quite hard to do that when you're married though isn't it? So I attribute most of our marital problems to me and my coping techniques. How do I change that though? When the chips are down and I feel like I'm spazzing out, I don't want to be anybody else's problem. I want to run miles away and not bother anybody and least of all do I want to talk about it over and over again with lots of different people - apart from anything else, if I'm having marital problems (which I'm not now) I don't want to tell people because a) they'll learn what a bitch I can be and b) they'll learn what a twat Bandito can be and those qualities should not be shared as far as I'm concerned.
Anyway - why am I telling you this? Oh yes. I was having a good old chat to my mum last night about things. Now that my life is back to normal and my marriage is back to normal, I am talking about it more to a select few and anyway, I was chatting to mum and she said something that was quite hurtful but most probably true. She said 'the thing is Heeland Lass, you've always withdrawn when the shit hits the fan and it's not very fair on the people you have in your life because we feel that the rug's been pulled out from under us - one minute we are right by your side and the next minute you're distant and distracted and so completely not there. And worse, because you don't want to talk about things with the people who know you best, you spend more time with people who know you less and the people who know you best think 'what the fuck have I done? I've watched you do this for years. It can be very unsettling'.
I asked her why she had never talked about this with me before and she said because she thought it was something I'd maybe grow out of and also, because she's my mum she knew she'd always have a role that would never be replaced, but always felt really sorry for the 'best friends' who came and went.
I don't think I like the sound of that. It makes me sound like a total bitch, someone who picks up friendships and then puts them down again. Admittedly, I do have new people in my life quite a bit - and they come and go sometimes, but on the whole I have many, many good friends who have been in my life for more years than I care to count. My mum reckons it has something to do with the fact that I was an only child, that I spent so much time being on my own (get the violins out) and relied on myself and only a couple of other people pretty much throughout my whole life.
Who'd have thought that things like that would still be manifesting themselves in my life at the age of 32?
I want to sit my friends down and ask them what they REALLY think of me and my friendships. To find out if I do let them down or make them feel unsure of themselves, because it's not something I do deliberately.
Oh I don't know. Can't be bothered thinking about this now.....
And yes, bang on queue I'm now withdrawing. But only till I have something else to blether about.
3:10 pm - 05 December 2006
